NGE: Serenity
by Ravenheart
Summary: Songfic based on Godsmack's 'Serenity' Not the movie with the same title Rated for brief nudity and fairly depressing themes


Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, its characters, or any situations in the original plot on which this fiction is based.  
  
Disclaimer: The rights to 'Serenity' belong to Godsmack  
  
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NGE: Serenity  
  
Shinji is laying on his futon, staring at the ceiling, with the buds of his S-DAT in his ears. He has been trying to sleep for the past few cycles of the tape he's listening to. But something is keeping him from the peaceful oblivion of sleep this night.  
  
He closes his eyes and takes a breath, hoping that this would help calm him more than he already was and help him get to sleep. However, as he releases that breath, images of the comatose girl, for whom his feelings are still mixed, lying in her white, sterile hospital bed come to the forefront of his thoughts. Images of her hitting him, smiling at him, insulting him, kissing him, mocking him, and a few of her encouraging him in her own way follow that one in rapid succession.  
  
*As I sit here and slowly close my eyes  
  
I take another deep breath  
  
And feel the wind pass through my body*  
  
Shinji suddenly feels a sharp sense of failure, as he realizes that he has failed to live up to what he perceived to be his purpose, to protect those around him. Again, images assail his thoughts, ones of Misato after her return from Matsushiro, images of Asuka curled up in her entry plug under the assault of the 15th, of Rei as she destroyed Eva-00 to kill the 16th, of Touji when they were pulling his unconscious form from his crushed entry plug after the defeat of the 13th.  
  
*I'm the one in your soul  
  
Reflecting the light  
  
Protect the ones who hold you  
  
Cradling your inner child*  
  
Shinji feels totally alone in that room. Everyone he knows except for those who work for NERV have left. No one his age remains. Asuka in her coma, Rei dead, replaced by a doll with her face. The lack of those people made the world beyond his door an incredibly terrifying place to him. He doesn't understand why, but he just feels like he needs to hide from something. Even though hiding has never really made anything in that world beyond the door to his space change for the better.  
  
*I need serenity  
  
In a place where I can hide  
  
I need serenity  
  
Nothing changes, days go by*  
  
His uncertainty forced him to run to this place, this last refuge of familiarity. His thoughts return to the redhead who's eyes now lack the fire that was there only days before. Replaced by cold, dead, unseeing ones which just stare off into space not registering anyone's presence. All he can think about is how he can help get that flame back now that all of the energy seems to have been sucked out of the girl.  
  
*Where do we go when we just don't know  
  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
  
And when will we learn to control*  
  
---  
  
A young girl is running down a poorly-lit hallway which seems to go into infinity. Standing by the child as she runs is Asuka. As she watches, the girl runs on. She knows what the child will find but can do nothing to stop it. Eventually, the girl reaches a door at the end of the hall and pushes it open to reveal a body hanging from the ceiling by a rope. Asuka wants to look away, but can't. She feels as though something is forcing her to watch herself re-live her past.  
  
'But I thought that Angel died already...'  
  
Next to the body hangs a second, smaller, empty noose. Following the girl's gaze, she saw a doll and it's disembodied, red-haired head lying nearby.   
  
Suddenly, she is standing near the girl as her aunt tries to tell her that it's okay to cry. 'No... I'm strong... I don't need to cry.' Asuka felt the need to cry at that statement. The one that has caused her so much pain and hurt since that very day and costing her the one she loves.  
  
*Tragic visions slowly stole my life  
  
Tore away everything  
  
Cheating me out of my time*  
  
With the thought of him, her world dives into a swirl of color, yet she feels no uneasiness. Shortly, the colors settle to a scene she knows all too well. She is sinking into the volcano, seemingly to her inevitable death, when her descent comes to a sudden halt. Looking up, she sees Unit-01's glowing eyes even through the magma. Smiling, she calls him a show-off. Next, she's calling him a pervert, or an idiot, all while she again watches from the third person. Every time she insults him, she can see the slight bit of hurt as though it was as plain as day.  
  
'Why was I such an idiot?'  
  
With the realization of how he probably feels about her, she suddenly finds that she actually does have feelings for him buried deep down with the part of her that she never let anyone touch.   
  
*I'm the one who loves you  
  
No matter wrong or right  
  
And every day I hold you  
  
I hold you with my inner child*  
  
With this realization, her old pride kicked in, and her world went black once again.   
  
'NO!! I can't care about him! I don't need him… I don't need anyone!'  
  
suddenly, she feels her knees go weak and she curls up into a featal position in her self-imposed darkness. Instead of facing and accepting her feelings, she just denies them and buries them even deeper so even she can't find them.   
  
Outside, day after day passes as no apparent improvements occur for the red-headed patient lying comatose in the bed.  
  
*I need serenity  
  
In a place where I can hide  
  
I need serenity  
  
Nothing changes, days go by*  
  
In her mind, Asuka lifts her head again, only to see the total darkness surrounding her curled up nude form.  
  
'Why am I acting like this? I should be better than this.'  
  
Instead of sounding like a definite assertion of superiority, she sounded much like Shinji had months ago. There was hardy any life or feeling behind the words, merely the spoken word of her mind trying to make sense of its situation.  
  
'I should be better than this!'  
  
This time, her voice showed much more emotion… more like she meant the words she said.   
  
Again, she opened her eyes… but this time, instead of seeing only her own naked form in front of a void of total blackness, she could see the inner walls of her Eva's entry plug.  
  
"I should be better than this!!"  
  
*Where do we go when we just don't know  
  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
  
And when will we learn to control*  
  
Suddenly, she can feel her Eva surge with power as a gigantic cross erupts from her Eva's position. Along with the power, she can feel a presence she hasn't truly felt in a decade.  
  
"MAMA!!"  
  
*Where do we go when we just don't know  
  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
  
And when will we learn to control (I need serenity)  
  
Where do we go when we just don't know (I need serenity)  
  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold (I need serenity)  
  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing (I need serenity)  
  
And when will we learn to control*  
  
End.  
  
A/N: My god!! I can't believe how hard writing that was… The first half with Shinji was actually fairly easy, but Asuka's section was incredibly difficult. I ended up setting this fic aside for a week or two after getting stuck on her realization of her feelings about Shinji.  
  
Anyway, I first came up with this idea after the first few times I heard this song. I had originally planned on making it a completely Shinji fic. Later, as I reached what became the end of his section, I realized that the second half of the song just didn't fit his personality or history.  
  
Ok. Enough of my rants… As always, R&R and thank you for your time. 


End file.
